Halloween weekend.

I have a party to go to tomorrow so I'm sure there will be photos of the festivities. There will be many folks I haven't seen in a while, except poor Codos, who's in Chicago. We'll have to have fun in his behalf. And fun is always good. Always.

Have some yourselves, folks, and have a good scare, too. :)

The stars and the planets tell us more than some of you might think. Me included.

"The earth laughs in flowers." ~ E. E. Cummings

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."

~Anonymous


"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved-- loved for ourselves, or rather, in spite of ourselves."

~ Victor Hugo

"A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than yesterday."

~ Jonathan Swift

Let me embrace these words, and plant them deep within me so that they might grow.

I look back on the week and I notice something. I haven't actually looked in the mirror. Well, I've looked, but I haven't really seen anything. Just some guy shaving, walking past, opening the cabinet above the sink...but I haven't actually SEEN him.
I've felt things that seemed to be necessary to him. I've even tried to label those things a "process". I've taken photos of him and only now do I actually see him.

He saddens and repulses me.

It can't be me. It's not who I am; not who I know I can be. I hate what I became this week. No true purpose was served. I don't know if it was some fucked-up, self-preservation mechanism for my heart, but it was distasteful.

I look inside myself now and I seek to know it's origin. I want to cut it out and release it so that I and those around me are free of it.

Neil

So much difference a day makes...
----

What a difference a day made
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain

My yesterday was blue, dear
Today I'm part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
Since you said you were mine

What a difference a day makes
There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy
Since that moment of bliss, that thrilling kiss

It's heaven when you find romance on your menu
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you
-------

Still trying to get my footing...

I had a small revelation this evening: I absolutely love the the smell of grilled cheese sandwiches being made. It's a comfort zone smell. It fills me with an incredible sense of calm.

So, my friend Codos, who's link you'll find to the right, threw a party tonight with his roomate, another friend of mine, Alex. It was a good time and many friends of mine were there I needed to see. Nothing like free therapy. :) Good people; that's pretty priceless stuff in life in my book.

They get a big thanks from me.

Cheers,

Neil

My, what a draining week it's been.

I've never felt so much emotion in my entire life. I've been to some very dark places in these few days. I've seen what the mind can allow itself to do when not tempered with enough reason.

In the past two months I found myself in a state of immense bliss. I found love. A love unlike any I have previously known.
Exactly two months to the day of finding it, I thought I had lost it. And I became consumed by fear, anger, a profound sadness. So very profound. The idea of losing this love seemed too painful. But with some help, some very needed and precious words, and a little time, I think the worst is over.
There are still small crashing waves that threaten to pull me into the undercurrent, but the tide is lower now, and I'm a pretty good swimmer, nonetheless.

This love for her remains. Strong as ever. And she'll always be in my heart. I would like to think that down the road, there will still be a place for both of us together. There is so much of my future I want to share with her. But only she, and time, will tell for sure.
And though I am still sad, for now, I just smile knowing I am capable of a love like that, and that she is the reason for it.

Peace, Love, and Understanding.

Neil

Did my feelings cause it to happen?

Or did I feel a premonition of what was to happen?

Either way, my heart...

...aches.

Faith. Have faith.

That's what I tell myself.

Just love. Just love.

Without condition, with conviction.

Couple more from the vaults:



It was dark and damp,
like a jungle at dusk just after a rain.
I was running from something,
with fear as my guide.
It was hard to make any headway
with so much brush in the way.
Soon I came upon a thin patch
and before me was
a cave of stone, black as coal.
Big enough to drive a truck through,
it would have provided escape
except for the sleeping beasts
that line the floor like a pink, flesh carpet.
They are a cross between pigs
and newborn, hairless rodents,
but with teeth and claws to rend my flesh
if they were to be disturbed.
I have to run, but the only way is the cave,
a minefield of carnivorous consequence.
Desperation takes me in, terror complicates it.
I step gingerly over and around my sleeping fate,
desperately trying not to touch them
even when my legs are clearly too short.
My heart races and the sweat burns my eyes.
Only a few feet inside and one begins to stir,
then two, three and more- I feel the need to scream.
They are waking and know I'm there.........
:
:
:
:
:
:...and then I wake up.
-------------------

Popcorn and candy canes,
Fishnets and garters,
M & M's and gummi bears,
Ecstasy and booze,

Cup cakes and licorice,
Lacey panties, leather whips,
Bubble gum and pixie sticks,
Coffee cake and lust.

Jumbo's Girls and cinnamon swirls,
Dollar bills and all the frills,
And bowls of Hershey's Kisses.

Lipstick and lemonade,
Pheromones and taffy,
Yukon Jack, Cracker Jacks,
And the lights turned low.

Catholic skirts and lollipops,
Bare breasts and Red Hots,
Candied apples and perfume,
Ice Cream and shrooms.

High heels and lingerie,
Sweets for the sweet,
Halloween tricks for some,
But I'll take the treats.
-----------------------

It's getting dark in here.
How little light can we stand?
How long can we last in the absence of light?
Where will the line be drawn?
Am I going to find out?

I've turned out the lights.

Oh, my furrowed brow...

...full of shadow and doubt.

Why? La Belle et la Bete?

Some random things from the vault:


My fists are soiled with the blood of my subconscious.
----

Scent of stormier seas,
strange incense of Nature's spirit
confessing it's dark thoughts.
-----

Desire clouds truth
and love becomes lies.
This bloodshed is my will;
I murder in chortling contentment.
----

Sometimes I get a lump in my throat
but I don't know why.
I sit in the corner of my sofa,
look around my apartment
Iike a sad curio shop owner,
the room cluttered with things I don't need
or maybe that have been acquired
to appease some subconscious need,
filling some empty space I can't see.
I don't know what it all represents,
if it means anything at all.
The walls seem too close,
trapping me.
But it's not the material things that
have me scared.
It's the reason for acquiring those things and
the chains of limitations they put upon me.
My worry pains the muscles in my forehead.
There isn't enough liquidation
to make life any easier.
The room is swarming with my weakness,
my love of music betraying my ability to live with ease.
I know my vices.
It's a life preserver made of cement;
wouldn't matter how well I could swim.
Do my fears feed it?
It has to be connected somehow.
Denial, my wily nemesis,
how well you work your magic.
It churns the waters so
I can't get enough air.
What keeps me from healing myself?
Fear?
Procrastination?
How do I push that lump from my throat
without the flood of tears?
Perhaps there is no other way.

Sometimes I really feel like I've let something go. My creativity. Where is that edge? Ack. I hate to use that word, "edge". It's so over-used. Sigh. What have I done? Or more to the point, it's what I haven't done that causes my sudden anxiety. I've let a part of me slumber too long. Time to gather the troops. Time to start the mission.
There's something to work for now.

Hi there, folks! Long time no blog. I was away for a week on the east coast at a friend's wedding. I was in the wedding party, so I figured it would be in poor taste not to attend, not to mention that it would have set off the whole groomsmen/bridesmaid ratio. Brides hate it when that happens.
I was actually honored to be part of the whole shindig, and as it turned out the groomsmen got really cool gifts- a monogrammed flask. Not that I drink a whole lot of hard liquor, but it's one of those things a guy likes to have anyway. Hey, why are you laughing? You don't think I can hear you? Ok, fine, keep laughing.

Saw some old friends, hung out with my mom, soaked up some of the old east coast vibe. Trying to get a feel for it again, because you never know when you'll be back in it for the long haul. It's a culture shock, really; going from Southern California to east coast. It's very different and it takes a little getting used to. But I can live anywhere as long as there are good people to share it with. People. Yeah, that's the important thing. Or one person. One in particular. That can make all the difference. :)

So I'm back here in L.A. where nothing is as it seems yet everything seems crazy. Back at work, which sucks. But I'm back with some new inspirations which I hope to cultivate.

Life is a funny thing. So complicated, yet so simple. The road ahead is full of possibilites.

And on that note, I leave you with a link. If you haven't seen Don Hertzfeldts' animated shorts, you should go here immediately. Do not pass 'GO', do not collect $200, just go there now:

http://www.bitterfilms.com/index.html

Laugh, people. Laugh.