Giving thanks for:

Meeting the most amazing woman I've ever known. She is everything I ever imagined I'd want in life. She helped me believe in the magical idea of the "soulmate".

The support of great friends. They've been there for me during my recent struggle with this dubious notion of the existence of a "soulmate".

Laughter. It really is the best medicine.

Alcohol. Sometimes it has useful moments, too. :)

Give thanks.

Love, Neil

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated."

~A. LaMartine

Yeah, it's done. Any hope I may have held onto is let go. I'm still trying to sort it out. I'm so tired of feeling this. I just can't shake the part of me that feels this profound remorse over losing something that could have been incredible; the kind of happiness that you look for with another person. A part of me mourns for what might have been. It had the possibility of being "the one". Now it seems we'll never know.
Hell, I didn't even know if the concept of "soulmate" even existed...until her. Meeting her made me believe. I don't know, maybe the deck was stacked against us. Distance, life situations, history, spirituality... Oh hell, I don't care. All those things don't matter compared to what I feel. I was ready to accept all of it. There's no one else like her. All of those things, similar or vastly different, combine to make her who I love. I believe she loves me, and I hope she believes I know that. She just doesn't love me in the same context.

I hope she believes my love for her is real, too. As real as I know it to be. I choose to love her. I would do anything for her. There is more truth here than I have ever known.

So, I keep trying to tell myself that if it were meant to be, it would be. But necessity breeds choice, and this choice was not mine to make. I need to live with it, learn to be happy, again. I will, I know, but I don't know how long it will take.
I find myself experiencing waves of sadness and loneliness, though less often now. I have lost 14 lbs. in the past couple months, which is, ironically, a good thing.
I look inward; I think; I analyze. I over analyze. I need to look with-in, but without losing sight of my general nature. I like being a happy person. I love to laugh. It's who I am meant to be. It's a defining characteristic; one I'd like to keep.

So bear with me (as if anyone is bothering to read this), commiserate with me, have a drink with me, dance with me, laugh with me, and live.

Look what I just read:

My Daily Gemini Forecast-

Quickie: Sometimes the choices are overwhelming. A long walk will help clear your mind.

Overview: No matter how deprived you think you are, take a step backward and really look at the situation. You'll realize you actually have it all. Now pull in that lower lip and say thank you to the universe.

Daily extended:

Intellectual communion drives you. Share your ideas with anyone who will listen -- it could lead to something unexpected and wonderful. Tonight is a time when minds meet, dance together and embrace, whether at a social event or in cyberspace. Spend time with friends or find someone online who has something in common with you. Join a club or group where you can share your experiences. People around you will be motivated by what you offer to the conversation.

Very interesting...

The past few weeks, I've not been myself. At least not my usual self. I'm the guy that smiles a lot, laughs a lot, and somehow manages to make others do the same. But I haven't really been that person in a while. I've been looking inward so much that I've forgotten about the person I like to be.
Who knows why things happen in life. We have so much control of some things, none over other things. Things just are. We just have to accept that which we cannot control and move on. I'm not saying there aren't things I can look at more closely about myself, and I will. But six weeks ago, I was still my jovial self. I miss that jovial, gregarious person I know I am. Any other behavior is contrary to my nature.

My friend Jessica says that things that happen to us, people we meet; each one serves a purpose in our life. there is a reason for each one. Maybe this one is meant to have me look inward right now. I'm doing that. And I'll keep doing it.

But at the same time, my friend Loretta, though offering her gracious support, also thinks I need the breathless laughter and adrenaline that only a roller-coaster can bring. And I whole-heartedly agree. There is such a freedom in that kind of laughter; one I haven't felt in a long time. And I want to be that person again.

I took the first step last night by watching a movie I've been told to see by virtually everyone I know: "Office Space". I certainly haven't laughed that much in weeks. I actually felt like my old self again.

It's not so much about finding yourself; it's just knowing who you want to be.

Amazing how life spins on the head of a pin. I don't think I'm the same person I was about 4 weeks ago. I wonder if I'll ever see that guy again?

Gemini & Cancer

"...Gemini is an Air Sign and Cancer is a Water Sign. If these two Signs can work together they can be a great team; after all, the best decisions are made by incorporating the emotions and the intellect. The trouble for these two lies in learning to cooperate. They come from such opposite points of view that at times it can seem as if they simply have nothing in common. Deep, emotional Cancer can also sometimes dampen Gemini's airy enthusiasm, and light, fast-paced Gemini can leave Cancer feeling ruffled, even tattered. Balance can be achieved if they learn to talk openly with one another.
Gemini is a Mutable Sign and Cancer is a Cardinal Signs. Gemini is flexible, willing to go with the flow and follow another's lead; Cancer is an initiator and likes to provide that lead. Gemini may try to lead by being brave, even confrontational; for it to run smoothly between these two, they both need to learn when to back down and let the other lead the way..."

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I said earlier about how the stars and planets tell us more than you think. Well, there you have it.

Raise an eyebrow if you wish, but I just bought some research material on the subject. I also bought "The Artists Way". Time for a little more expanding.
My dad is a "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul", sort of guy. He got me thinking that way, too. But in his youth, when deciding what he wanted to do with his life, he first chose to be a Methodist Minister. Then he changed his direction to become a surgeon. And so he did.
I always found that an interesting career change. They really are fairly different paths: from one of pure faith, to one of science.
Not to say that in Medicine there isn't a place for faith. I think there is. But so much of saving lives in Medicine is based on new technologies and the workings of science.
And so my upbringing was one of conflicting information. We went to church on occasion, obviously to introduce me to a belief in God. I admit, I was one of the kids that had trouble staying awake. I've always been kind of a night person, starting at around the age of ten or so. 9 AM in church isn't a kids first choice for a Sunday morning.
But science was a big thing in my life. I don't recall knowing many people that believed in Creationism, it was all about Evolution. That was what I was raised thinking about.
My mom has always been of the mind that we're worm food. Nothing more. Over the years, though I never became a very religious person, I always felt there was something else out there. I didn't know how to define it, and maybe it was just me wanting to believe there is something more. Aren't there enough things in the world that we can't explain with science, or at least only partially so?
Astrology is partially science, isn't it? The movement and position of stars and planets affect the forces and energy between them and earth, and that energy affects us, as living things on this planet. That makes sense to me. I guess I'm saying that I keep my mind open to possibilites. In many ways, "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul", but there must be factors beyond our mortal reach. Or do I want to have my cake and eat it, too?
I'm looking into looking up. Every time I've checked, the planets have been pretty damn insightful. Certainly more than me. :)
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"It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul"

~William Ernest Henley


"My fate cannot be mastered; it can only be collaborated with and thereby, to some extent, directed. Nor am I the captain of my soul; I am only its noisiest passenger."

~Aldous Huxley

Thanks to my friend Kelly for talking to me. She's awesome. She makes me laugh and makes me make her laugh. What else is there? :)

Some days are like little relapses. I feel kinda sad today. Can't find forward motion. Just one of those bumps in the road, I guess. It'll pass.

But should it just pass? I can't just ignore feelings, nor beat them down into submission. They don't go away so easily. They are persistant.

As they say, nothing worth anything is easy.

And this one is priceless.

Sending positive thoughts to faraway places to those who need it. I've been good at this before, so there's no reason it won't work again.

Enough people with enough positive thinking; who knows what we can do?

Healing through Peace and Love. :)

-Me

Ok, stop whatever you'e doing and just go see "The Incredibles" right now. Go on. You'll be happy you did.

Ack. Another four years of George W. Bush. Who knows what mess he'll make next. Maybe it's time to move to Canada, or maybe overseas...yeah...

"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." --Ray Bradbury

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out."

--Ray Bradbury

This man is a genius. If you ever get the chance to hear him speak, you should do it.

"The worst thing you can do for love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let anyone to anything get in your way"

~Anonymous



"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out."

~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

~Byron